Mission Logs

Journal Entry One:

I seem to have assimilated into the human population seamlessly. My documents were accepted without question and I have successfully obtained lodging. My disguise is perfect, no one suspects that underneath this pink layer of flesh, the true Vedician lurks. I have begun my observations of the humans, all of which will prove vital once the invasion has begun. My observations so far: humans seem to enjoy keeping certain lower life forms domestically. They refer to these animals as pets. However, certain other life forms in the domestic sphere are called “pests” and are treated with disdain. I have yet to ascertain the difference. The female who serves as keeper of the housing unit assured me that the apartment was pest-free but that I would be allowed to keep pets in my lodging for an additional fee. I will do more research into the pet/pest paradox.

I have also observed that humans perform labor in exchange for “money.” They then exchange this money for goods and services. Upon my arrival, I replicated some of this money in order to obtain food and lodging. The type of labor that the humans perform seems to determine their status in the society. I have overheard humans asking one another what they “do.” It seems apparent that I will need to find something to “do.” Eating in social settings seems to be very popular among the humans. A disgusting habit but these eating establishments are plentiful and could prove to be an excellent source for further study. I will begin my search for employment tomorrow.

Journal Entry Two:

My search was successful. I obtained employment in an establishment which serves caffeinated beverages and sweet starchy foods. My contract with this business begins tomorrow. The work should prove to be simple enough. It shouldn't take long for me to master the rudimentary skills of serving the humans their food and beverages and for my subsequent takeover as leader of the establishment. As the leader, I will cultivate the loyalty of the small band of humans who are employed by the establishment. I will show them that I can be a kind, if stern, ruler. Their loyalty could prove useful once the invasion begins.

Journal Entry Three:

My task of serving caffeinated beverages has proved to be a bit more complicated than I imagined. The combinations these creatures come up with! There is a menu of standard beverages that these insolent creatures brazenly ignore. Just when I think that I have mastered a recipe, an endless string of consumers come through and alter the recipe in a myriad of ways. Some want a special kind of cow excretion or a variation of the amount of flavored syrups or an extra dosage of caffeine. I have worked three shifts at the establishment and my head is still spinning.

On the upside, I feel that I am close to understanding their system of monetary exchange.

Journal Entry Four:

I am now much more comfortable in my job in the cafe and I feel that I can focus my energies on my mission. There doesn't seem to be any real system of centralized government on this planet. I have avoided asking direct questions regarding this as I don't want to arouse suspicion that I am not a native. From what I have gleaned, there are several tribes on this planet and each tribe has its own method of governance. Most tribe seem to prefer to have a ruling council rather than a single leader. The result is that no one takes responsibility for the ills of society and no one seems interested in finding solutions. I have yet to determine what, if anything, the ruling councils of the planet seem to do. I believe that the governing systems of the Vedicians will be a welcome change. They will surely see the wisdom of electing a single leader for the planet, then executing the leader if they do not perform adequately.

Journal Entry Five:

I have begun to make social connections at work. Social connections seem to be the area into which most humans put the most amount of effort. The males spend most of their time trying to catch the attention of the females. The females also try to catch the attention of the males but complicate the process by pretending to ignore the very males whose attention they are trying to catch. The whole thing seems very exhausting and its seems to be a evolutionary miracle that any mating ever takes place on this planet. It makes me long for the simplicity of a Vedician mating ritual. It may be harder to convince the humans to adopt this, however, as I can't imagine these coy females painting their bodies blue and running through an open field and mating with whatever male is both quick enough to catch her and agile enough to dodge the spears being hurled at them by her relatives. The males, however, will most likely think our way is simpler.

My forays into the human social sphere have been tentative so far. My attempts at humor have met with mixed results and I am unfamiliar with the “bands” and “movies” that most human bonds seem to revolve around. I am attempting to amend this by doing research in my off hours but there seems to be no end to these “bands.” There is a confusing array of genres and despite my hours of research, I still don't understand the difference between Speed Core, Speed Garage and Speed Metal. The humans at work seem to like me for the most part, despite my ignorance of popular culture. In fact, my ignorance seems to amuse them. They never tire of saying the titles of movies or songs to see if I have heard of them and their amused surprise never seems to grow stale when I reveal that I am not, in fact, familiar with that area of popular culture.

I was surprised to discover that humans do not enjoy their jobs, despite the fact that they spend the majority of their time at work. While they are at work, they seem to spend the time finding creative ways of not doing work. On the few occasions when I have been invited on social outings with my co-workers, I have found that they spend the majority of that time complaining about their job and the consumers who frequent the cafe. It is a contradiction that confuses me.

My reports to the Vedician command have become longer and more complex with every passing day. I fear they may begin to think that I'm making the majority of it up.

Journal Entry Six:

I find myself fascinated by a female co-worker. She is quite attractive for a human, slender and of average height, with brown hair and brown eyes and a pleasing smile. Her legs are pleasing as well, at least the parts of her legs that aren't covered up by the short pants she wears to work every day. She is kind to me and the consumers at the cafe. Even her name is pleasing. Alice. I have tried to determine if Alice finds me at all fascinating but it is very hard to tell. True, she seems to smile at me frequently but she also seems reluctant to talk to me. My knowledge of human females is not extensive enough to tell me if this means that she is inviting me to mate with her or merely being friendly. A male co-worker named Caleb seems to be of the former opinion and keeps advising me to “go for it.” I am hesitant to do so, however, for I fear that if I have misread her signals, our working relationship may become awkward. Perhaps a group social outing would help to determine her intentions.

I am ashamed to admit that since the development of my fascination with Alice, my reports to the Vedician command have become fewer and further between. It is hard to focus my attentions on the trivial politics of this puny planet when thoughts of Alice's lovely pink skin are so much more appealing. Despite my reservations, I must consummate my affections for Alice. For the mission.

Journal Entry Seven:

I am positively dizzy from the events of the evening. Also, from the alcohol. Several of us cafe employees went to a bar once our shift was over and I finally had the chance to ask Alice if she would be interested in mating with me. I did not phrase it so bluntly, of course. My time on Earth has taught me that Earth women are to be approached delicately.

“Would you like to see a movie with me sometime?” is what I actually said. I waited with no small amount of anxiety while she first turned even pinker and then said “Yes.” I spent the rest of the evening learning as much about her as I could and being as vague about my own past as I could get away with. I must construct a believable history before our date tomorrow night.

Journal Entry Eight:

Why is it that in our entire history as a species, Vedicians have never invented kissing? While it may be true that we excel at the maths and sciences, humans have kissing and that irrefutably proves their superiority. We were having a perfectly pleasant evening, Alice and I. We had partaken in social eating, paid to watch a movie with a group of other humans and were wrapping up the evening with a moonlit walk as we talked our “hopes for the future” and “interests.” Then, with no warning whatsoever, she stopped talking, threw her arms around my neck and pressed her lips to mine. My human form seemed to respond immediately, knowing somehow that this was the first step to the mating ritual. My hormones surged, my blood pumped harder and seemed to rush to my genitals, my breath quickened. All of these physical parts, however, did not add up to the whole that was kissing Alice.

As she wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her lips to mine, I felt something inside me open up. Somehow it seemed as though she came into my being and I went into hers. My whole world was about that moment when our mouths opened up and our tongues met, when our bodies pressed together and our hands ran over each others backs freely. Our lips reluctantly parted after several moments and she looked up at me and smiled and I knew that I would forever be her slave. She took my hand and continued walking again, picking up the conversation as though nothing had changed although everything had.

I must cancel the invasion.

Journal Entry Nine:

The Vedician command will hear nothing of my pleas of mercy. They accuse me of “going native” and betraying my species. I have tried to explain to them that there are things that the humans can teach us but they refuse to listen. To them, humans are only savages which must be conquered and colonized. I must warn Alice.

Journal Entry Ten:

The invasion is back on. Alice refuses to speak to me. I was certain that after I warned her about the Vedicians, she would see me as her hero and take me to the appropriate authorities to prepare them for the upcoming war. Instead, she called me insane and threw me out of her apartment. I stood outside her door for several hours, begging her to believe me, pleading with her to stock up on provisions and arm herself. Eventually I became angry with her refusal to speak to me and began to shout at her. I told her she would be one of the first ones against the wall when the fleet arrived. I regret that now. Once the humans are under Vedician rule, then she'll see that she was wrong about me and ask for my forgiveness, which I will naturally grant. I will graciously allow her to be a member of my harem. She will tremble in awe before my true form and regret ever taking out that restraining order.