Friday, July 16, 2010

Things Disney Didn't Tell you #fridayflash

1) I had the girl's best interests at heart, really. Her dad died, leaving us with nothing but this big drafty castle and three year's unpaid taxes. If I didn't get myself remarried and quick, how would we have made ends meet? She certainly wasn't going to go out and get a job.

2) True, I had that mirror tell me daily who was the fairest one of us all but it wasn't for vanity. I had to know who the competition was. I'm not getting any younger and the state was going to foreclose on the castle, leaving me and that ungrateful brat out on the streets.

3) The day that the mirror told me she was now the fairest one of us all, I knew that she would run off and marry the first thing in tight pants that came across her path and leave me to fend for myself. She resented me for making her help out around the house. “Father never made me scrub the floors,” she would whine. I didn't tell her that that was because her father was borrowing money almost as fast as he could gamble it away and could therefore afford maids to do the dirty work. Let the spoiled bitch keep her illusions, I'm not so heartless as to tell a young girl that the father she loved so much was lecherous, alcoholic gambling addict.

4) I never told that huntsman to take out to the woods to kill her. That is just an outright lie. I told him to take her out into the woods, yes, but kill her? What kind of monster do you think I am? I needed her temporarily out of the picture so I could find a new husband.

5) I don't care what that stupid mirror says, I still think I'm prettier. The little wench still had acne, for crying out loud. And don't get me started on those fat ankles.

6) A heart in a jeweled box? What kind of sick mind even comes up with this stuff? And this was supposed to be a kid's movie? Gross!

7) I wasn't there to poison the little twit. I just wanted to check up on her and make sure those dwarfs weren't getting handsy. If you ask me, a young girl living with seven men seems a little suspicious, but she seemed to be happy. She bitched and moaned when I wanted her to do something around the house but ask her to wait hand and foot on seven ugly old men and suddenly she's happy as a lark. She must not have been their type, if you catch my meaning.

8) If I told her once, I told her a million times: chew your food! You can't blame me if she choked on the apple.

9) You know, even though he was a boozer and womanizer, I still kind of miss the old bugger. We had a couple of laughs and I never met another man who could go all night and still be begging for more in the morning.

10) I hope the Prince and his zombie bride are happy together, I really do. But if she thinks I'm going to baby sit her snot nosed kids, she's got another thing coming. In fact, I think I'll sell the castle and move to Spain. I hear they like mature women there.

11) I have it on pretty good authority that her wedding dress shouldn't have been quite so snowy white, if you catch my meaning.


Tomara Armstrong said...

hahaha... classic ;-)

John Wiswell said...

Haha, can't believe I missed this one on the weekend. Glad I caught it later. Not sure I believe her, but at least I've heard the other side of the story now!

ellecee said...

Thanks guys! I'm glad you got a laugh out of it. John, I'm not sure I believe her either but she does raise some interesting points.