I didn't aim to become a supervillain. I just wanted to take that Mr. Fantastic down a peg or two and it just so happened that my powers of invisibility allowed me the means and the opportunity to achieve my motives. For whatever reason, I just couldn't stand that self-satisfied, smug look he had on the nightly news when he was interviewed for nabbing another cat burglar or pickpocket. Maybe it was because my old man did the same thing every night for thirty years and he never once got on the news, but I guess superhuman speed gets better ratings.
I started out small, just enough to annoy the guy. Itching powder in his stupid looking spandex tights, prank calls to his Mr. Fantastic Hotline, tying his shoe laces together while he was staking out a meth lab, nothing major. That last one had me laughing so hard I accidentally went visible. If you'd seen that cocky mug of his hit the dirt at super speed, you would have laughed too. After he spotted me, I figured the jig was up and that would be the end of my little jokes. He obviously didn't have a sense of humor, or a sense of perspective for that matter, because he tracked me back to my “lair” (my rent-controlled one bedroom apartment on the bad side of town) and challenged me to fight him man to man. I tried to explain that I was just having a laugh, but he swore he would have his revenge and stormed out with a melodramatic flip of his cape.
He publicly declared me his arch-nemesis and gave me the name The Prankster. If I'd have known I was going to get stuck with something so obvious and unoriginal I would have come up with my own supervillain name. But like I said, I wasn't aiming to be anybody's arch-nemesis. He stopped catching criminals and focused on “bringing me to justice.” I don't know how things escalated so quickly, but before I knew it I was kidnapping his girlfriend and constructing death rays. Its silly, I know, but once the gauntlet was thrown, I couldn't back down. Its the Irish in me.
I stand before you today not as a supervillain, but as the son of a cop who somehow wound up on the wrong side of the law. I know it was wrong to contaminate the city's water supply, but in my defense I never meant to kill anybody. I just wanted everybody to lighten up. Things just got so weird and dark, I figured we could all go for a laugh. I guess I got the recipe wrong or added too much and for that I'm sorry. I throw myself on the mercy of the court. I know I don't deserve forgiveness, all I ask is for a little understanding.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
#fridayflash The Companion's Lament
I should have known better to trust a madman with a box, but I was young and naïve. I believed this stranger when he fell out of the sky into my garden shed and claimed that he was an alien who could travel through time and space. He proved it by taking me roller skating on the Sea of Tranquility. Later, we dined upon Tang and freeze dried ice cream at the “authentic” Neil Armstrong Cafe. It was all quite convincing, really. And to be fair, he was an alien who could travel through time and space. Just not the particular one he claimed to be.
Impersonating a celebrity to the yokels who don't know any better is bad enough, but this piece of work took me for all that I had. He claimed that as a time traveler, he had no use for money. I quickly realized that was only because I was picking up the tab for everything. We were at a spa on the planet Midnight when the authorities finally caught up with us, and let me tell you, a weekend there is not cheap. The bastard is now serving three consecutive life sentences at Stormgate which is what he deserves but I was offered no restitution. I was left with only with a one way ticket back to Earth (who knows what year it will be when I arrive. I hope my Mum isn't too worried.) and an irrational hatred of bowties.
Impersonating a celebrity to the yokels who don't know any better is bad enough, but this piece of work took me for all that I had. He claimed that as a time traveler, he had no use for money. I quickly realized that was only because I was picking up the tab for everything. We were at a spa on the planet Midnight when the authorities finally caught up with us, and let me tell you, a weekend there is not cheap. The bastard is now serving three consecutive life sentences at Stormgate which is what he deserves but I was offered no restitution. I was left with only with a one way ticket back to Earth (who knows what year it will be when I arrive. I hope my Mum isn't too worried.) and an irrational hatred of bowties.
Friday, November 4, 2011
#fridayflash SWL seeks SWM
Me: A sexy barista by day, a naughty she-wolf by night, tired of the dog-eat-dog world of the lycanthrope dating scene.
You: A docile human longing to be dominated by an alpha female. You know your place in the pack and its whatever I say it is.
Prefer a young, white male. Must have a sense of humor and must love dogs. No kids.
You: A docile human longing to be dominated by an alpha female. You know your place in the pack and its whatever I say it is.
Prefer a young, white male. Must have a sense of humor and must love dogs. No kids.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
#FridayFlash Flash on the Borderlands
Its three for the price of one this week. A few months back I tied for second in Pseudopod's Flash Fiction Contest and today they released the podcast with the winning stories. I'm very pleased. You can hear "Escape," "Mother's Milk," and (mine) "Little Monster" here.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Paradigm Shift
Before, in the time when I didn't know you, the doors were locked tight.
The lights were off, the rooms were empty and no one came to call.
Everything was laid out neat as two pins, everything in its place.
The only sound was the clock dutifully ticking away the hours.
There were bars on all the windows and they did not open.
No intruders could get in past the alarms.
I was safe.
Now the windows are flung
open whenever you walk past, a breeze
blows through, it flings
all the doors open and the papers flutter around and lose
their order, and the dog barks and jumps to try to catch them but they fly by just
out of his reach, and someone turns on a light to see what the ruckus
is all about, and I am standing all alone in
chaos
The lights were off, the rooms were empty and no one came to call.
Everything was laid out neat as two pins, everything in its place.
The only sound was the clock dutifully ticking away the hours.
There were bars on all the windows and they did not open.
No intruders could get in past the alarms.
I was safe.
Now the windows are flung
open whenever you walk past, a breeze
blows through, it flings
all the doors open and the papers flutter around and lose
their order, and the dog barks and jumps to try to catch them but they fly by just
out of his reach, and someone turns on a light to see what the ruckus
is all about, and I am standing all alone in
chaos
Saturday, July 24, 2010
The Fairy's Gift #Fridayflash
The Fairy's Gift is a finalist in the "Uncovered" contest and appears at The Clarity of Night blog. Hope you enjoy!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Things Disney Didn't Tell you #fridayflash
1) I had the girl's best interests at heart, really. Her dad died, leaving us with nothing but this big drafty castle and three year's unpaid taxes. If I didn't get myself remarried and quick, how would we have made ends meet? She certainly wasn't going to go out and get a job.
2) True, I had that mirror tell me daily who was the fairest one of us all but it wasn't for vanity. I had to know who the competition was. I'm not getting any younger and the state was going to foreclose on the castle, leaving me and that ungrateful brat out on the streets.
3) The day that the mirror told me she was now the fairest one of us all, I knew that she would run off and marry the first thing in tight pants that came across her path and leave me to fend for myself. She resented me for making her help out around the house. “Father never made me scrub the floors,” she would whine. I didn't tell her that that was because her father was borrowing money almost as fast as he could gamble it away and could therefore afford maids to do the dirty work. Let the spoiled bitch keep her illusions, I'm not so heartless as to tell a young girl that the father she loved so much was lecherous, alcoholic gambling addict.
4) I never told that huntsman to take out to the woods to kill her. That is just an outright lie. I told him to take her out into the woods, yes, but kill her? What kind of monster do you think I am? I needed her temporarily out of the picture so I could find a new husband.
5) I don't care what that stupid mirror says, I still think I'm prettier. The little wench still had acne, for crying out loud. And don't get me started on those fat ankles.
6) A heart in a jeweled box? What kind of sick mind even comes up with this stuff? And this was supposed to be a kid's movie? Gross!
7) I wasn't there to poison the little twit. I just wanted to check up on her and make sure those dwarfs weren't getting handsy. If you ask me, a young girl living with seven men seems a little suspicious, but she seemed to be happy. She bitched and moaned when I wanted her to do something around the house but ask her to wait hand and foot on seven ugly old men and suddenly she's happy as a lark. She must not have been their type, if you catch my meaning.
8) If I told her once, I told her a million times: chew your food! You can't blame me if she choked on the apple.
9) You know, even though he was a boozer and womanizer, I still kind of miss the old bugger. We had a couple of laughs and I never met another man who could go all night and still be begging for more in the morning.
10) I hope the Prince and his zombie bride are happy together, I really do. But if she thinks I'm going to baby sit her snot nosed kids, she's got another thing coming. In fact, I think I'll sell the castle and move to Spain. I hear they like mature women there.
11) I have it on pretty good authority that her wedding dress shouldn't have been quite so snowy white, if you catch my meaning.
2) True, I had that mirror tell me daily who was the fairest one of us all but it wasn't for vanity. I had to know who the competition was. I'm not getting any younger and the state was going to foreclose on the castle, leaving me and that ungrateful brat out on the streets.
3) The day that the mirror told me she was now the fairest one of us all, I knew that she would run off and marry the first thing in tight pants that came across her path and leave me to fend for myself. She resented me for making her help out around the house. “Father never made me scrub the floors,” she would whine. I didn't tell her that that was because her father was borrowing money almost as fast as he could gamble it away and could therefore afford maids to do the dirty work. Let the spoiled bitch keep her illusions, I'm not so heartless as to tell a young girl that the father she loved so much was lecherous, alcoholic gambling addict.
4) I never told that huntsman to take out to the woods to kill her. That is just an outright lie. I told him to take her out into the woods, yes, but kill her? What kind of monster do you think I am? I needed her temporarily out of the picture so I could find a new husband.
5) I don't care what that stupid mirror says, I still think I'm prettier. The little wench still had acne, for crying out loud. And don't get me started on those fat ankles.
6) A heart in a jeweled box? What kind of sick mind even comes up with this stuff? And this was supposed to be a kid's movie? Gross!
7) I wasn't there to poison the little twit. I just wanted to check up on her and make sure those dwarfs weren't getting handsy. If you ask me, a young girl living with seven men seems a little suspicious, but she seemed to be happy. She bitched and moaned when I wanted her to do something around the house but ask her to wait hand and foot on seven ugly old men and suddenly she's happy as a lark. She must not have been their type, if you catch my meaning.
8) If I told her once, I told her a million times: chew your food! You can't blame me if she choked on the apple.
9) You know, even though he was a boozer and womanizer, I still kind of miss the old bugger. We had a couple of laughs and I never met another man who could go all night and still be begging for more in the morning.
10) I hope the Prince and his zombie bride are happy together, I really do. But if she thinks I'm going to baby sit her snot nosed kids, she's got another thing coming. In fact, I think I'll sell the castle and move to Spain. I hear they like mature women there.
11) I have it on pretty good authority that her wedding dress shouldn't have been quite so snowy white, if you catch my meaning.
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